I’ve struggled with bulimia since the age of 10. A mix of low self esteem, the desire to be invisible, and the struggle to find control is where my eating disorder emerged. Sexual violence takes a toll on a person’s psyche. My desire to be invisible and to find control grew every time I was assaulted.
The less control I feel, the worse my bulimia emerges again. I am very open about my struggle with mental illness, but there are only two things I do not discuss. My eating disorder is one of them. I found that when I tried to discuss my struggles with an eating disorder when my body is bigger, suddenly everyone thinks they are a medical professional and tries to give me health tips on losing weight without “taking shortcuts”.
There seem to be more of those unspoken rules when you are a bigger person. Any outfit I put on that is form-fitting suddenly becomes sexy or makes people uncomfortable. When a man took pictures up my skirt at the park when I was trying to enjoy a family outing, I was told to wear pants or tights next time despite it being the middle of summer during a heat wave. When I am harassed, I am told it is a compliment because that means I was deemed worthy enough to find attractive even though my body is “disgusting”. When people treat my body like it is theirs to objectify, my eating disorder worsens. I want to feel like I am in control after many instances where men have made me feel like my body is not mine.
I wish I had more encouraging words to say, but the truth is that recovery is messy, confusing, and hard. Relapse happens, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere. One day, you’re laughing with your fiancé at the mall, excited to go home and play the new video game he just bought you, feeling good about everything. Flashforward, it’s two months later, your eating disorder has gotten out of control, and when your therapist asks you when it started getting bad again, you have no idea what to say.
I have always been afraid to write an article when I’m not doing well because I don’t want to discourage anyone or make them feel like things don’t get better. However, I realized the reason I decided to write for Survivors to Superheroes in the first place was not to be an inspirational “and you can do it too if you just stay positive!” type of writer. It’s hard to be vulnerable when you write things you haven’t even admitted to yourself yet. It’s even harder when you realize your writing is people watching you process things in real time. My goal with my writing is to always be honest not only with other survivors, but also with myself. I am still new on my journey and I’d be lying to say it isn’t hard. Some days I feel like giving up, especially when I relapse. This doesn’t mean it is for nothing. I work hard to remind myself of this every day. I used to lie to myself and say I didn’t care about anything and that everything is pointless, and I find myself still doing that. Today, I got out of bed, took a shower, got on the bus, went to my favorite coffee shop, enjoyed a dirty oat milk chai, and sat down to write this. It’s days like this that remind me of something my dad always tells me: “Even if you have five minutes of happiness, be grateful for it because even on the worst of days, that happiness can be enough.” I think he may be on to something.
Photo by Arno Smit from Unsplash
Jenni Pantoja
My name is Jenn, but I also go by Jenni. I am a Liberal Studies major at SUNY Purchase College. I was contacted by Julia with an opportunity to join Survivors to Superheroes and was inspired by the mission. As a survivor, I believe it is important to be supported and know you are not alone. I found solace in writing and hearing the stories of other survivors. My goal is for my writing to encourage and give a voice to survivors as well as educate others about what it means to be a survivor. In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, writing music and creating new makeup looks.
