Through Survivors To Superheroes I have been able to process my trauma of sexual violence that I experienced in my youth. Having this platform is a privilege and I recognize that. My first article I wrote was the first time I openly admitted I was a rape survivor. I felt silenced by the media and comments I would see under news articles blaming survivors for coming forward years after it happened and calling them derogatory names. I felt that if I told my story questions would soon follow. Writing articles about being raped and posting them on social media was a risk, especially knowing my family, who had no knowledge of the assault occurring, could potentially come across it. However, the idea that somewhere a survivor could read my words and feel less alone was the reason to keep trekking forward.
After it happened, I tried everything to minimize the situation. I tried to block it and tell myself I was overreacting. I told myself I wanted to be a victim so bad. In hindsight, I realize this was to prepare myself for the comments I expected others to make. I grew up being told if you are raped it is your fault. You should have done certain things different and make sure it isn’t you. The idea that sexual assault prevention is to make sure the person attacked isn’t you never sat well with me. In my culture, where machismo is prevalent, this is reinforced. From a young age it seemed that being a cisgender woman came with many rules. You cannot wear shorts or anything that may seem provocative when a male relative enters your home. You must dress modestly or else you will be considered a “slut” and “whatever happens to you is on you for dressing this way”.
I remember thinking to myself how could this happen to me? I am a loud and outspoken girl who has won fights against men bigger than me before. Maybe I am weak and stupid for allowing it to happen. Maybe it was a misunderstanding. Throughout this year, I have educated myself and learned the following. The biggest lesson for me was this is not my fault. I said no multiple times and I did not want it. I was at work in a dirty work uniform and this was a grown man preying on a high school student. Another lesson I learned was I wasn’t seeking attention by talking about something that happened to me when I was 18. I’ve heard so many people invalidate survivors by telling them, “It happened so long ago. Just move on.” Some people never get the opportunity to process it. Healing is not linear, nor is recovery. The trauma does not have a quick fix.
I am still learning how to cope with the trauma of the sexual violence I have experinced in my youth. I may not have all the answers, but I am proud of how far I have come. This year was difficult, but my efforts were not in vain. Finding my voice in writing and battling the internalized stigma was worth everything. Being vulnerable on the internet has its challenges, but I am happy for the people who have found solace through my vulnerability. I will keep being patient and kind to myself as I continue this journey of healing. I know it won’t be easy, but I am determined to make peace within myself.
Jenni Pantoja
My name is Jenn, but I also go by Jenni. I am a Liberal Studies major at SUNY Purchase College. I was contacted by Julia with an opportunity to join Survivors to Superheroes and was inspired by the mission. As a survivor, I believe it is important to be supported and know you are not alone. I found solace in writing and hearing the stories of other survivors. My goal is for my writing to encourage and give a voice to survivors as well as educate others about what it means to be a survivor. In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, writing music and creating new makeup looks.
