Have you ever heard that phrase, “You can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself.” Unfortunately, I have heard this phrase one too many times. And its companion– “you need to love yourself before you can find love from others”. There is a preconceived notion that in order for someone to love us we must have confidence and self love. However, this is completely false.
As someone who has struggled with trying to find love within myself for many years, I feel like this has been used as a punishment for people who have difficulty being kind to themselves. Ultimately, how can someone show themselves something they have never experienced? How will someone know what it is to be kind to themselves, if they have not been shown what kindness and love are? I know that I am not alone in these struggles. Survivors of sexual violence often struggle with self love, and with believing that they are worthy of the love of others.
I always thought these phrases made sense. As I have gotten older, I realized how misconstrued this ideology is. People deserve to be loved and to be cared for. It is one of our basic needs to survive. Depriving or denying someone this solely because they do not think highly of themselves is unacceptable.
In my experience, I have been told this by people who do not want to be held responsible for treating me poorly or have no intentions on furthering our relationship. When I would ask for a person to hold themselves accountable, they would state, “Well if you loved yourself, maybe I would feel that way towards you.” Yes, I do believe people have the right to change their minds and not want to continue with you. However, when you tell someone they will not be loved because they struggle to love themselves, that is a different story. I also would always get my mental illness thrown in my face. It seemed whenever I would share my experience with mental health, it would create a negative response. “You just need to love yourself.” They say it as if that will cure all the trauma I have endured.
When I met my boyfriend, I was in a dark place. I had gone back and forth with an ex for four years, called it quits and stopped all contact. I was sleeping around with multiple men in order to feel in control somehow. I was the other woman. My mental health and well-being were spiraling further into the ground. I was convinced this was what my life would be. Last choice, the other woman, or a consolation prize were the only things I would ever be. Just as I was about to give up, I met him. At first I was very skeptical. I expected nothing to come out of it. When the day of our first date came around, I strongly considered cancelling. I owe my shopping addiction the relationship I have now. When I met him for the first time, I remember feeling comfort. His presence made me feel like I was catching up with an old friend. It sounds silly to say that about a romantic partner, but that’s what sold me on him. Trusting him was an uphill battle. My mind told me to be wary of him, because he seemed too good to be true. My gut told me to take a chance. I’m so happy I did.
Falling in love was harder than I thought. I have never really been able to express my emotions properly. The emotion that is easiest for me to convey is anger. It just comes so easy. When my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time, I reprimanded him. How could someone fall in love with me without knowing everything about me? What if he learned about my mental illness and then changes his mind? What if I have an episode in front of him? Will he still say all these kind things? Thankfully, the answer is yes. He loves me for who I am. Is it hard to trust it? Indeed, it is very hard to accept that someone loves you for all that you are. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I am finally in the relationship I always wanted.
My relationship has taught me that I did not need to love myself in order for someone to love me back. It is in this relationship that I have learned how to accept myself. What got me on that path was something my boyfriend had told me our first few days of dating. “I’m sorry people have treated you badly and haven’t seen how special you are. I want to show you how special you are. I want you to feel special not because I think you are. I want you to feel special because you are. With or without me, that doesn’t change.” Those words stick with me to this day. My worth does not increase or decrease based on what people think about me. I get to decide who I am.
I think the takeaway is that sometimes we need people to show us what kindness is in order for us to show it to ourselves. Having a mental illness or low self esteem does not make us unworthy of love. On the contrary, it is even more of a reason to show more love and support. Love, care and nurturing can encourage positive feelings towards oneself. These positive feelings can even lead to healing and milestones in recovery. I guess it’s true what they say. A little kindness can go a long way.
Jenni Pantoja
My name is Jenn, but I also go by Jenni. I am a Liberal Studies major at SUNY Purchase College. I was contacted by Julia with an opportunity to join Survivors to Superheroes and was inspired by the mission. As a survivor, I believe it is important to be supported and know you are not alone. I found solace in writing and hearing the stories of other survivors. My goal is for my writing to encourage and give a voice to survivors as well as educate others about what it means to be a survivor. In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, writing music and creating new makeup looks.
