Two months ago I graduated college, broke up with my ex-boyfriend/quarantine roommate of two years, moved back in with my parents and frantically downloaded every dating app imaginable. I had no interest in finding another relationship or dating anyone seriously. I needed space to heal from both the loss of a long term relationship and a sexual assault that occurred in October. But casual dating as a survivor can be extremely complex and triggering, as non-survivors in hookup scenarios often ignore communication in search of instant sexual gratification. Yet dating in quarantine has been a surprisingly healing experience, as living in a public health emergency forces increased communication between partners around safety and sexual health.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Covid-19 prevention guidelines mirror their STI prevention guidelines, often with the same verbiage. The CDC encourages using protection, getting tested, talking to partners and limiting those you interact with for both Covid-19 and STI prevention. Although studies indicate that more people are using condoms than in prior decades, many people simply don’t talk about sexual health and pleasure with their partners. Covid-19 forces these conversations, as discussions around quarantine boundaries eerily mimic sexual health dialogues.
Dating apps, which rarely encourage these conversations, are suddenly joining the communication bandwagon. Bumble now includes social distance dating options in profiles, indicating whether you are open to “virtual,” “socially-distanced w/ mask” or “socially distanced” dating. Even for those seeking a casual hookup, dating in quarantine often creates a level of transparency to which frequent hookup enthusiasts are unaccustomed. Asking a potential sexual partner whether they have tested negative for Covid-19 subconsciously reminds them to also ask questions regarding sexual health status.
Obviously people are horny and breaking quarantine. According to a poll of 2,000 quarantined Americans, 3 out of 10 people have broken quarantine for sex. Among quarantined couples, 6 out of 10 claimed to be experiencing “sexual burnout,” or seuxal boredom with their significant other. But maybe our sexual frustration, regardless of relationship status, forces us to consider how communication, consent and pleasure are necessary for even our most casual sexual encounters. Consent in non-monogamous relationships also becomes a priority, as honesty between sexual partners can be a life or death situation.
While online dating can be activating for survivors, often due to sexually vulgar messages, it can also create more opportunity for sexual exploration and healing. Forms of consensual 18+ cybersex can be a way to ease back into sexual activity. Since everyone is stuck in quarantine, most people are not engaging in physical sexual activity with new partners, and are therefore more open to alternative sexual behavior. As touch or in-person activities can be activating for survivors, having a casual facetime date or sending your partner a lingerie photo, with consent from both parties, can be a way to comfortably reevaluate your sexual needs. And of course, masturbation, sex toys and other forms of personal play can be a fun, safe way to explore.
Three days ago I had a six hour phone date with a casual partner and we joked that everything that occurred on the phone would have happened in person. Consent is all about listening, and being unable to see each other made me realize how powerful language is in communicating and stimulating sexual activity. Online dating isn’t for everyone; it can be scary and exhausting and tedious. Yet from my experience, I’ve never felt more heard.
Image Credit: Jess Lks Via Flickr
Ilana Slavit
Hi, I’m Ilana, a 2020 Film and Media Studies graduate of the University of Oregon. I’ve always been passionate about representation of sex and gender in the media through a social justice focused lens. As a survivor, I am grateful to be a member of the Education Team in order to spread awareness of consent and pleasure. I am in the process of becoming an ASSECT certified Sex Educator through the Institute of Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. In my free time, I like to write, make short films, go to (now virtual)
