Tattoos have always been taboo in my household. They had a negative connotation to my parents. However, tattoos have been essential in discovering self love, becoming one with my body and healing. Currently, I have ten pieces. A majority of them are tattoos to symbolize my journey on this path.
I have struggled with self harming behaviors a majority of my life. Flashbacks and dissociative episodes contributed to the urges. As a result, I have many scars on my body. I was ashamed of my scars for the longest time. People always asked about them and I would spiral into feelings of regret and guilt. I also needed to find a way to combat the desire to self harm. That is when I decided to get my first tattoo.
The pieces that I love the most are the flower on my arm, the lotus on my ankle and the tattoo on my finger. On my arm, I have a flower with the word “flourish” inscribed at the bottom. This was drawn by one of the patients of the adult unit I was on during a hospitalization in 2017. It is a reminder to me that sometimes even though we think we have reached the point of no return and things may never get better, there is always a way to find that strength within and find ways to blossom. The lotus I have on my ankle is very important to me because of the memories behind it. One of my close friends did it for me. To me, the tattoo symbolizes the bond I have with my “found family”. It reminds me there is love all around me and can be found in the most unexpected places. My finger has a tattoo that has my recovery anniversary date and it is a constant reminder of all the progress I have made to better myself. I look at it when I feel like I want to give up. It gives me the energy to keep going.
Tattoos were always fascinating to me, however I never thought it would be a crucial step in finding ways to express myself and regaining the power I thought I had lost. In my opinion, tattoos are great ways to tell a story or express yourself. I feel like my tattoos are my armor. They comfort me when I feel sad and help ground me when I disassociate. Everytime I get a new piece, I feel my confidence grow and I have never felt more like myself.
Jenni Pantoja
My name is Jenn, but I also go by Jenni. I am a Liberal Studies major at SUNY Purchase College. I was contacted by Julia with an opportunity to join Survivors to Superheroes and was inspired by the mission. As a survivor, I believe it is important to be supported and know you are not alone. I found solace in writing and hearing the stories of other survivors. My goal is for my writing to encourage and give a voice to survivors as well as educate others about what it means to be a survivor. In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, writing music and creating new makeup looks.
