Content Warning: This article discusses sexual violence.
The movie Fifty Shades of Grey was released in 2015, a time when I was experiencing peak levels of anxiety and panic attacks around sex. I was a junior in high school, traumatized by routine sexual harassment and assault in the classroom, as well as fear tactic sex education I learned from school and the media. I distinctly remember the buzz around the Fifty Shades saga, and it terrified me. More and more people were exploring BDSM, something I only associated with violence at the time. I recall reading a newspaper article claiming that 25% of “Fifty Shades of Grey” books checked out from the library had traces of Chlamydia in the pages. So it’s no wonder that I’ve only seen the movie now, five years later, after exploring my sexuality and my kink identity.
The film follows a young impressionable virgin, Anastasia Steele, who is seduced into the world of BDSM by the rich and tormented Christian Grey. Grey is emotionally repressed, refusing to sleep in the same bed as Steele or engage in romantic activity, blaming it on his kink identity. We later learn that Grey’s first sexual experience involved BDSM as a minor with an older woman and that he was abused as a young child.
The film’s claim that BDSM is an unhealthy coping mechanism for trauma is extremely inaccurate. People in the BDSM community engage in many types of sexual and romantic relationships, and not everyone has experienced sexual violence. A study in 2002 by Harvard University proved that pain and pleasure affect the same part of the brain, eradicating the myth that someone must be abused to enjoy BDSM. Many people within the community are survivors of sexual violence, just as many people in the world have experienced such trauma.
Ever since I first started engaging in sex, I’ve noticed that I enjoyed pain. I would often choke myself during masturbation, or bite my own shoulder. I loved giving and receiving hickies, as well spanking, choking and other forms of consensual masochism. Because of my history of abuse and anxiety disorders, I often get in my head during sex. Pain grounds me and brings me back into my body, so that I can enjoy what is occurring and pleasure my partner.
I spoke to S, a survivor of sexual violence, who is “exploring pro Domming, so Domme or domnatrix.” She tells me that she “encountered fake BDSM in an abusive relationship” and now views BDSM as “empowering for [herself].” This is a common theme amongst survivors of sexual violence who enjoy kink and BDSM, including myself. Legitamate BDSM involves explicit consent structures in order to ensure safety and consent for everyone involved, something that vanilla sex should also incorporate. While I still experience panic responses to sex and sexual activity, recognizing my kink preferences has been enlightening and healing. The media’s view of BDSM as abusive is harmful for survivors of sexual assault who enjoy kink, as it forces them to repress their desires and agree to vanilla sexual activity that they may not enjoy. No one should be kink-shamed, as long as the activity is not harming themselves or other people. So instead of watching Fifty Shades of Grey, talk to members of the BDSM community and learn their stories of consent and pleasure.
Ilana Slavit
Hi, I’m Ilana, a 2020 Film and Media Studies graduate of the University of Oregon. I’ve always been passionate about representation of sex and gender in the media through a social justice focused lens. As a survivor, I am grateful to be a member of the Education Team in order to spread awareness of consent and pleasure. I am in the process of becoming an ASSECT certified Sex Educator through the Institute of Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. In my free time, I like to write, make short films, go to (now virtual)
