When I was 18, I was sexually assaulted by my coworker. I never reported the incident to my managers or even told another coworker about it. Even after I was assaulted, my coworker would continue to harass me and make unwanted advances. I only felt safe after he was terminated.
It took me time to process what had occurred. I felt conflicted about telling somebody. In my mind, I felt like I would be told I was overreacting. After all, I did hook up with him once. It must just be a misunderstanding. That’s what I labelled it as for the longest time. I misunderstood the situation and was overreacting. It wasn’t what I thought it was. I buried the memory and refused to address it again.
3 years later, while running a meeting of a mental health club I was vice president of, I would utter the words, “I was sexually assaulted.” I remember the moment vividly. We were running a meeting on consent and broke out into a discussion. After others shared their experiences, it clicked to me. It wasn’t my fault what happened. It wasn’t just a misunderstanding. I was assaulted.
Healing and finding peace was difficult and I am still on my journey trying to find it. Along the way, I have learned what it means to be a survivor. I was taught as a child that those who have been assaulted have some sort of blame, no matter what the circumstance is. My mother always heckled me whenever I would walk out the door in a crop top or mini skirt saying, “You’re just asking for it.” After I was assaulted, I did blame myself. In fact, I put all the blame on myself. Everytime I had flashbacks or nightmares, I would shut down. The ‘If only I had’ thoughts would start soon after and consume me. Slowly, I began to learn to challenge those thoughts. Talking and reading stories from other survivors helped me come to the realization that it wasn’t my fault. That was the biggest step in my healing. It also helped me feel less alone.
Writing was a major contributor in the steps of finding peace. When I couldn’t find the words to explain how I felt or what I was trying to express, I found solace in writing. Through writing, I found my voice. Finding my voice led me to discovering the power I had. I wanted my writing to comfort and inspire others just as reading writings had done to me.
Being a survivor to me means taking things one day at a time. I celebrate my victories, no matter how miniscule they seem to be and I accept my missteps and find ways to come back from them. I’ve learned to be patient with myself and understand that healing is not linear. Some days are better than others. I know that my journey isn’t over and I have a lot to learn, but I am confident that I will peace within myself.
Jenni Pantoja
My name is Jenn, but I also go by Jenni. I am a Liberal Studies major at SUNY Purchase College. I was contacted by Julia with an opportunity to join Survivors to Superheroes and was inspired by the mission. As a survivor, I believe it is important to be supported and know you are not alone. I found solace in writing and hearing the stories of other survivors. My goal is for my writing to encourage and give a voice to survivors as well as educate others about what it means to be a survivor. In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, writing music and creating new makeup looks.
