CW: Discussions of sexual violence
I didn’t know it was sexual assault. How could a boyfriend who is supposed to care for me and love me inflict this harm? I thought rapists were pedophilic men in the dark, lurking to prey on young girls. Not the first boy who kissed me in the school staircase. But now I know: It doesn’t matter their relationship to you or what they may say their intentions are. The abuse continued for a few months and even after a reprieve from the summer vacation, my assailant attempted to engage with me sexually the following fall. Luckily, by then I had established a form of boundary-setting with which I was able to say “no” so forcibly that the abuse came to an end. But not all survivors are able to do so.
Eight out of ten rapes are committed by someone known to the victim, according to RAINN. This fact further complicates the definition of sexual violence, moving away from the stereotype of an assault committed by a complete stranger to a cycle of abuse by someone we know and trust. My own experience is called intimate partner sexual violence. This type of sexual violence occurs in a romantic relationship where a person is forced to engage in sexual acts, sexual touching, or non-physical sexual acts without consent. These non-physical acts can include sexting and receiving or distributing nude photos without their consent. The frequency and severity of violence that occurs in intimate partner sexual violence can vary, ranging from one episode to continuous abuse over years.
Some people may ask, “Why do you stay with them if they are violent or abusive to you?” There are so many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. We must steer away from rhetoric that blames the survivor for not doing more to end the abuse. It’s really not that simple.
For me, society had normalized unhealthy displays of masculinity in which I was not able to identify the abuse as what it was—abuse. Like many others, I had been taught that my comfort and even my sexual pleasure was inferior to the wants and supposed needs of my male counterpart. I needed to please this boy in order to be liked, to be loved. By deriving my self-worth from this sexual relationship, it made it so much harder to find an escape and say that enough is enough. My youth and the lack of awareness and support in my life didn’t help either. We didn’t have a school counselor or social worker. The teachers were so busy that they weren’t looking out for students to check in on their mental or sexual health. We did not have any sexual education programs in my high school, but I also firmly believe that that would have been too late. Sex education and consent training should be implemented early on. Consent training specifically should be normalized as a way to relate to other people and not as a facet of sexual education. Without proactive conversations and resources around caring for our bodies and developing consensual relationships, more young students will be at risk for sexual violence and prolonged abuse. I hope more schools will invest in counseling services and preventative sexual education for all teenagers.
As adults, the most practical reasons to stay in an abusive cycle of intimate partner violence are centered around dependence. Some may be financially reliant on their abuser, and if they have no savings or ability to acquire their own money, it could be equally dangerous to leave the relationship. When there are children involved, survivors may also feel an obligation to keep their family intact and may fear the complexities of divorce and custody trials. These reasons don’t even begin to recognize the devastating reality of pushback and heightened abuse that could result from attempting to leave.
The cycle of abuse is also a prominent factor leading to continued intimate partner violence. There are four stages in the cycle—tension building, the incident, reconciliation, and a period of calm. If there was more consistency in the abuse and no “make-up” aspect, it may be easier for survivors to leave the situation. But due to the nature of reconciliation and its ability to provoke the release of oxytocin (a hormone that, when released, encourages social bonds and feelings of trust), many people may see the relationship as having potential to get better. Other aspects of the cycle include justifying the behavior and potential gaslighting; the abuser may minimize the abuse, making the survivor feel as if their experience is not real and they’re the one making it a “big deal.” All of these stages in conjunction may cause a distorted or irrational view of the situation and encourage the survivor to remain in the relationship for its positive aspects while subconsciously downplaying the abuse. Abusive relationships and patterns of intimate partner violence are never simple. We need to have better education for and ways to support survivors who are stuck in this cycle.
It’s important to recognize the validity of survivors’ decision to remain in relationships that involve sexual violence. Every individual has a right to their experience and how they navigate it. It’s not our place to judge survivors, and it is especially harmful to put any blame on survivors themselves. At the same time, we must continue to fight for preventative methods to put a stop to the issue in the first place. Providing access to mental health resources and sexual and consent education for young people could be part of the answer. Romantic relationships are full of excitement, but they can also be very confusing and harmful if we aren’t taught what healthy and consensual sex looks like. Through writing this piece, I have been better able to understand what happened to me; hopefully it will help others to do the same.
https://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/faqs/signs-of-abuse
https://www.rainn.org/statistics/perpetrators-sexual-violence
https://www.makinwellness.com/relationship/cycle-of-abuse
To learn more about gaslighting, check out our article “Let’s Talk About Gaslighting.”
Julia Kopala
My name is Julia, and I am currently working in Boston as a special education teacher. I joined Survivors to Superheroes because I am a survivor myself who did not have any support or resources to understand the gravity of the situation I was in. I want my writing to empower and validate the diversity of experiences and identities that survivors hold, amplifying the idea that healing is possible. Outside of the organization, I find joy in hiking, reading, and mentoring students!
